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As noted previously in this space, I have been
named a celebrity pig kisser for the Butte/Glenn/Tehama American Diabetes
Association’s annual Kiss-A-Pig fundraiser. First I learn that newspaper
columnists don’t get stock options, now this. The dark underbelly of fame I
suppose. Anyway, I will publicly thank folks who donate $25 or more in my name
in a future column. Give $50 and I will get you a Kiss-A-Pig T-shirt, while for
$75 I have a few limited edition ADA beanbag pigs; all while they last.
Contributors of $100 or more can vote on which end of the pig I kiss. For
$1,000 I will kiss last year’s winner, Chico mayor Steve Bertagna. Make checks
payable to ADA, noting KAP and my name in the memo portion. Mail to: ADA,
Collier’s Hardware, 105 Broadway, Chico, CA 95928. I thank you, but can’t vouch
for how the pig feels.
*****
Getting even rather than mad, my wife parlayed a rare appearance by
my inner jerk into a Siamese cat she spotted at the Humane Society just hours
later. The tongue got my cat, you might say. The aptly named “Princess” joins
“Cookie” and “Otis,” whose names sound more like the staff at an all-night diner
than royalty. My better half also calls the new addition “Your Highness,” which
I slur into “You’re Heinous,” even if I am being more careful about my choice of
words these days. Don’t care to find out what she’d name a Pomeranian.
*****
Have been asked why a recent column ran without my photo. Assume it
was for space reasons; piecing together a newspaper page is something like
making a jigsaw puzzle without the jig or the saw. Briefly considered that it
might have scared one too many canaries to death, but have heard nothing from
the Humane Society. Come to think of it, maybe the appearance of that Siamese
wasn’t entirely a coincidence.
*****
Much has been made of ex-Baywatch star Pamela Anderson Lee’s
decision to part with the world’s most famous chunks of silicone. Don’t see
the fascination myself but do wonder what happens to such things after removal.
My bet: keep an eye out on eBay.
*****
Took my wife to see “Shakespeare in Love,” perhaps the year’s
biggest chick flick, then conceded the last piece of German chocolate pie at a
local diner afterwards. Serious husband points in an evening like that, though
apparently not enough to avoid the Siamese. Nevertheless I figure it ought to
be good for at least two comedies and a Jackie Chan. Watch for us at a theater
near you ...
*****
... but not for the latest “Star Wars” adventure, at least for a
couple of months. It seems that the older I get the less I find worth standing
in line for. That, and it’s taking forever to get my Wookie costume back from
the cleaners.
*****
With her polls dropping in New York, news comes that Hillary Clinton
is being urged to run for a US senate seat from New Jersey, another state in
which she has never lived. Am I being old fashioned here, or is it too much to
expect elected representatives to have a deeper connection to their constituents
than political expedience? With two female Democrat senators (who are both
bona-fide Californians, I should add), that demographic is filled here so we’re
probably safe. Wouldn’t worry about Arkansas either; they actually know her.
Still, the First Lady seems more and more like that ol’ boll weevil from the
folk song, just alookin’ for a home.
*****
Had just finished unloading my picnic shopping trip on Saturday
before Mother’s Day when Girl-Child noticed the case of sodas. “Ooh, can I have
a cherry cola? No? You’re mean!” she said, without breaking stride, making eye
contact, or waiting for any actual response from me. No fuss, no muss. Hope
the “Daddy-can-I-have-a-car” conversation goes as well a few years hence.
© 1997 – 2002 Brent Morrison
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