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With our children more-or-less grown and more-or-less
out of the house, my wife and I are filling the aggravation gap by
remodeling our kitchen. The actual work will be done by a
contractor, but that still leaves a million decisions about things
to which I have never given a moment’s thought. (I suppose I’d
notice if the cupboards had no hinges, but choose one set from a
gazillion?) In frustration I muttered we could live with the old
kitchen and that it wasn’t a matter of life-or-death. My wife
disagreed: “Yes it is. If you back out, YOU will die.” I stand
corrected.
*****
Hump day will never be the same for a West Virginia
woman who was sat on by a camel one otherwise average Wednesday in
May. The beast, owned by a farmer, apparently mistook the woman for
a couch while she was painting a fence. She was able to call for
help on a cell phone, but as a firefighter told a local paper, “There
is no protocol on something like this.” I knew Camels were bad for
you, but I always thought you had to light them first.
*****
Australia’s – and I daresay the world’s – only frog hospital is
scheduled to close after mending sick and injured frogs for over six
years. The clinic in city of Cairns has treated over 1,500 of the
amphibians at a cost of up to $100 a pop. The facility is closing
due to lack of funds, not patients, but will reportedly reopen as a
French restaurant. (Kidding, kidding, don’t write PETA.)
*****
Spring is spraying season in the orchard that surrounds
our house, which means we have to keep our old orange cat inside for
a day or two afterward. He’s been known to express his displeasure
at captivity by using the carpet for a litter box, but I have
learned he can be sedated with dairy products: pudding, sour cream,
butter, cream cheese, cheddar, yogurt (vanilla only), and pretty
much anything else made from milk. A bellyful puts him down for a
long nap, which would be the perfect solution if our other feline
wasn’t the world’s only lactose intolerant cat. This little
conundrum leaves us choosing how we want our carpet ruined every
time the trees are sprayed. I don’t insist on organically farmed
foods, but if it can save my carpet I might reconsider.
*****
I saw London, I saw France … OK, whoever took the photo
of Saddam Hussein in his Fruitcake of the Looms and sold it to
Britain’s The Sun newspaper should be prosecuted to the full extent
of the law, but I’m having a hard time working up much outrage.
What I saw was a picture of a clean, wood-paneled room occupied by a
neatly groomed man in fresh shorts who clearly has access to hair
dye and other personal care products. Apparently the ex-tyrant is
getting Americanized in custody, though: his lawyers have threatened
to sue. I suppose that’s his right but if this is the worst thing
that happens to a guy responsible for the murder and/or torture of
hundreds of thousands – and so far it is – I’ll save my tears.
*****
Every husband knows the worst part of going out for an
evening is having his wife ask what she should wear. I have no idea
why women do this given how most men dress; I personally do not push
the shopping cart at the grocery store for fear of being arrested
for vagrancy. My wife knows this but still wanted my thoughts on
which necklace to wear to a recent fundraiser. At least she didn’t
ask if pearls made her look fat.
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